They sure don’t make movie trailers like they used to.
Today I came across the epic trailer for the 1986 movie Eliminators due in large part to this nifty little website, My 80s TV. I suggest you all to check it out. It’s a little slow to load but once it does it’s pretty great. As I was “surfing” the channels on this site I came across the trailer for the movie I mentioned before, Eliminators. The shear awesomeness from what my eyes just witnessed got me wondering, “why have I never seen this wonderful creation before?” and I started poking around the internet for this movie.
From a quick Google search I had bestowed upon me not only Eliminators on DVD but this foursome of 80s epicness. So of course my curiosity got the best of me and I had to watch the trailers for these other three movies. And man was I not disappointed. Of course since I got plenty of joy out of these trailers I wanted to share in the total radness of what I witnessed and that’s exactly what I intend to do.
Eliminators trailer opens up with a hidden fortress concealed by considerable jungle, cause who doesn’t want a fortress concealed by considerable jungle… Enters crazy fucking scientist who makes crazy shit because he’s CRAZY! So of course he must be stopped.
Apparently every cyborg needs their own personal mechanic so why not Denise Crosby better known as Lieutenant Tasha Yar from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Bitch be smart! But when assembling a team there is always the need for the wild card, Harry Fontana. He see’s things happen in movies so of course they work in real life… Because this movie is… real life…
Just when you thought the trailer for this movie couldn’t turn up the decibels on the awesome dial any further they throw a ninja into the mix. Look at his sweet ninja kicks, flips and cartwheels. After that I’m sure your head can’t take any more of this epic-orgasm. Well guess what? There’s Mandroid, part man, part tank. So yeah choke that shit down.
Oh my this movie right here, America 3000 might very well be the inspiration behind Idiocracy. Taking place 900 years after the great nuke. How great you ask? So great it reversed gender roles. Making women the sole dominant gender and men. Well the men are their slaves and apparently have very, very low IQs.
But what is any nuclear post apocalyptic world without some mutants. Albeit looking like the trolls used years later in Troll 2.
Of course this movie is not complete without having one male (Korvis) seeming to defy all odds and break the mold. But what is this one male without his strong-willed female (Vena) to help repopulate the world with… ummm… smarter people. All shall be okay though because Korvis apparently realizes he’s a man.
Something clicked in my mind when the trailer for Arena started. Everything looked real familiar and I realized I’ve seen this movie before in fact I’ve seen it multiple times way back in the early 90s when WPIX11 used to play it. Crazy enough I remember liking it. Maybe it was because the main character reminded me of Rax from Eternal Champions. One of the greatest Sega Genesis games.
Anyways Arena takes place on some space station on the out skirts of our galaxy where aliens do battle with other aliens in the arena. Basically UFC for all aliens. The main dude Steve Armstrong, a human gets into the competition, a competition not fit for humans but of course he has it. What it is I’m not to sure of, but by god he has it.
So of course this trailer has awesome 80s music which oddly sounds like music from Bloodsport. I’m sure this movie was based loosely on that as it came out a year later just with a Sci-Fi element added to it. Plus a lot of the aliens look like they were ripped right out of an episode of Star Trek. I’m sure if I want to tarnish my fond childhood memories of this movie I should go right ahead and watch this now.
The Time Guardian
The trailer for The Time Guardian in many ways left me speechless. Was it the odd voice from the narrator or maybe the top-notch acting? This trailer had in all in terms of camp and great one liners.
So the story apparently goes like this. 24th century, ravaged earth is making its final stand in its last remaining city. Yada, yada Jen-Diki are exterminating people. Blah, blah, blah send things back to ancestors in the past and in enters our hero. He seems like a smart one not knowing what science fiction is…
Apparently Carrie Fisher and Dean Stockwell are in this film but they don’t seem to pop-up in the trailer. But that’s quite alright because around the 57 second mark we get one of the sweetest looking kata’s of all time. Just look at that steadiness with the sword. My man has the balance of a cat.